How I lost my identity, and found my purpose
New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. ~Lau Tzu
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Zig Ziglar
A lot’s going on in the world today, friend. So today, I thought I’d tell you a story. It’s a pretty personal one, to be honest – about beginnings, and endings, and the rougher parts of life where everything feels like it’s going sideways.
You know, if you think about it, a life well-lived is full of beginnings.
We sigh, and smile, and coo, and nod approvingly when we hear about 90 year olds who learn to paint, or start a new career, or write their first book. Because those people are a great example of what we want for ourselves: the first page of a new and exciting chapter – no matter how close we are to finishing the novel.
Our souls crave new experiences, new adventures – maybe for the scenery and maybe for the company. But maybe because learning something for the first time makes us feel like kids again. There’s a childlike joy in seeing something new, isn’t there? Some little tickle inside that wakes us up for a while.
But you don’t get lots of beginnings without your fair share of endings.
And it can be hard to muscle through those ending times. It can be hard to see that there’s a new chapter at the end of the one you’re living. That there’s something new on the other side, and this ending is just life’s way of making room for the brighter bits to come.
I can say that with authority, you know. Because I have a vibrant, technicolor memory of a younger version of myself heaving wet sobs on the floor of my Chicago condo, sunlight mocking my sorrow, sitting next to a tiny human I had just created – and who I had just realized I couldn’t delegate to anyone else.
Because I’m a woman, I tend to hide my accomplishments and deflect praise. But at one point in the not-so-distant past I was a badass, high-powered lawyer. It wasn’t just a job. It was definitional, weaved into everything I knew about who I was as an adult.
When I introduced myself, I’d extend my hand for a too-hard handshake and say – “Hi, I’m Michele – I’m a lawyer.”
Then I had my son.
And I realized that – no matter how much I might want to – I could never go back to having the defining part of my life be my career. At least, not as a lawyer.
And – my god – that hurt.
As a new mother, your whole identity shifts, and you wonder (usually silently) if you’ve completely ruined your life.
Because for me – and for many others like me – my career was my first child. I had nurtured her, developed her, been immensely proud of her and couldn’t wait to see what she did over the next 20 years.
I never – ever-ever–ever-ever – thought I would give her up. But what are you supposed to do when the success of your first child depends upon the neglect of your second? And for me, that was the case. For me, being a mother was not compatible with being a litigator.
The two most precious parts of me … could not coexist. (Note that for many women, this isn’t the case. This isn’t a judgment of any other woman’s choices or decisions – it’s a purely personal reflection.)
So on that sunny summer day when I was supposed to be overcome with motherly love and emotion and beam magic mother starry eyes at my kid, I was really just crying tears of grief, and sadness, and loss, and anger that I was in this mess. I knew the decision I had to make – I wanted to make – was going to mean the death of something I also loved: my identity.
And so, on that very sunny robins-egg-blue-skied day, I lost Michele the lawyer.
I won’t lie. That was a tough one, and my period of grief and denial was very, very long. And very hard. But that ending … led to so many beginnings.
I started a small business, which led me to learn all kinds of skills – like how to set up a website, how to create a mailing list, how to market, how to create a facebook page – all kinds of ways to use the long-dormant creative part of my brain in new and exciting ways.
I would get up at 5:00AM to read books about business, poring over them in the dark morning hours until everyone else’s alarms went off.
And that was all exciting – fun – fascinating – new! But for someone who had always had a goal to reach, whether it be a test or a trial date or a partnership track, it all seemed … directionless. Like I was learning all these wonderful things just for the sake of them. Just to mark time, and stay busy, and feed my brain while my life passed by.
And I wondered if I had made a terrible, awful mistake by leaving the law – and my identity – behind.
I would fuss about that a lot, actually. (Just ask my husband.) I would wonder aloud – how can I weave together all of these things that I know and love? How can I mash together law, and government, and politics, and design, and copy, and e-mail lists, and facebook pages, and marketing, and business, and inspiration? More importantly – how can I make a difference?
And then, November 8, 2016.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
For me, everything had to fall apart … for everything to come together.
Suddenly all these little bits of experience and knowledge and passion came together like interlocking puzzle pieces, and I could finally see what the picture of my life was supposed to look like.
And I loved what I saw. I still do.
I wish I could whisper in the ear of my younger self who sat sobbing on that condo floor, angry that she couldn’t have it all and wondering what her life would be about. I wish I could tell her that she’s made space for a new beginning. That she’s going to make a difference – that she’ll inspire, and teach, and comfort, and encourage.
That she’ll speak to crowds of hundreds of people, give hope to tens of thousands more, and she’ll do it all on her own terms – in her own voice – in her own way.
And I wish I could tell her that the loss of her identity as a lawyer … means she’ll find her life’s purpose.
Because that’s what really happened.
I’m not sharing this story just to give you a window into my life. (And honestly, I hope it’s not too terribly much information.)
I’m sharing it because we all have fitful beginnings and painful endings, longer and shorter chapters in our lives. And sometimes it can be hard to understand why one of those chapters has ended, especially if it’s one you really loved.
So while I can’t whisper in my younger self’s ear, I can whisper in yours.
If something is ending, something is beginning.
Maybe it’s a group you started, or have been with for years, that is faltering. Or perhaps work has stalled, or a campaign is over. Regardless, a whole new period of exploration is opening for you – so you can see where your talents and passions will lead.
Pablo Picasso once said that the two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why.
But you can’t find your “why” if you don’t have the space to ask questions, to explore, to try, to learn, to change direction…
…to begin.
And, friend? I hope your life is full of beginnings.
Now, let’s get to work!
~Michele
Small Deeds For the Week of April 30, 2024
Here’s the part where – if you are so inclined – we roll up our sleeves and engage in what I like to call Action Therapy. Each week I share a Small Thing to Read, a Small Event to Attend, and a Small Call to Make.
Here’s the to-do list for April 30, 2024.
Small Events to Attend
Two great events this week, friend!
Monthly Blue Missouri meeting: Join Blue Missouri’s Jessica Piper, Jennifer Berkshire (and yours truly!) on Thursday, May 2, at 6pm central for the monthly Blue Missouri meeting. Blue Missouri was the first state project of Every State Blue; our community raises funds for Democratic nominees for Missouri state legislature, and distributes them using our “bottom-up bathtub” method of funding. (bluemissouri.org)
Besides hosting three Democratic nominees for MO state legislature, this month’s meeting will also feature education expert Jennifer Berkshire. Berkshire teaches in the journalism program at Boston College and in the Education Studies program at Yale University. A licensed public school teacher, Jennifer lives in Gloucester, Massachusetts.
Indivisible Annual Rural Summit: On Saturday, join Indivisible’s Rural Caucus for their annual Rural Summit, where they “hone in on the importance of having hope in red districts and rural America despite the many challenges ahead of us.”
They’re planning a “deep dive into state-level electoral work that often gets overlooked, focusing on gubernatorial elections, judicial elections, state legislative races, and ballot initiatives.”
This sounds like a great event – featuring “experts in the field on how you can more effectively use Indivisible’s tools and resources to stand in the face of MAGA extremism and harness your own power not just this year but for years to come!”
RSVP Here.
Small Thing to Read: Small Dollar Donors Can Help More Women Get Elected
On Friday and Saturday, I spent the day talking to Democratic nominees for Ohio state legislature. I was calling them to let them know they were receiving support from Blue Ohio – a community of grassroots donors (part of the Every State Blue network of projects) that funds nominees from the bottom-up.
Taken together, Blue Ohio distributed over $285,000 to 56 nominees already this cycle. (!!) All of it has gone to down-ballot candidates, and most of it has gone to the reddest districts in the state. (You can join Blue Ohio here!) We’ve raised the funding floor for nominees from $2,296 to $7,386.44.
I have so many stories from those conversations – and I can’t wait to share them all with you.
But first, I saw this Brennan Center article and thought you might be as interested in it as I am. https://www.brennancenter.org/our-work/analysis-opinion/small-donor-public-financing-can-help-more-women-get-elected The premise? Women are underrepresented in government, and one part of the problem is how campaigns are financed. Women have a tougher time financing campaigns, because they typically/traditionally have less access to wealthy donors.
The Brennan Center piece points to public financing of campaigns as a solution to this long-standing problem. Between you and me, there’s one thorny problem: We know that public financing is never going to get off the ground in red states. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take the same principles and apply them ourselves.
Blue Ohio (and our other Every State Blue state projects in MO, TN, and TX) are similar to public financing – just on a private scale.
Small Action to Take (H/T Jessica Craven of Chop Wood Carry Water!)
This week (April 27-May 5) is the Reproductive Freedom Week of Action.
Honestly, having a week dedicated to messaging reproductive freedom is an excellent idea – but I’m not hearing nearly enough about it. Joe and Trump could not be more different on abortion, but many Americans have no idea. This is a critical point for us, guys, and we have the tools to educate our networks.
The Biden/Harris campaign is asking for your help getting that message out there, loud and clear. You can find resources for all of this and more in this toolkit.
Thanks for reading, friend – I’m glad to see you here! If you love what I do and you want to support it, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. It means a lot!
Well, friend – there you go again, making the world a better place. Thanks for showing up! I’ll see you back here in a few days’ time.
Onward, upward, and in solidarity~
Michele
Small Deeds Done 